A little Hunter S. Thompson for ya, this afternoon.

So here I am. Pullman, Washington. Home of the University of Washington (or Wazu as they call it) -- Cougar Country. And fuck if it's boring. >.< It's just a big...podunk town surrounded by a bloody college and that's it. They have a Blockbuster and an IGA and that's IT. What have I been doing all day you ask? Sitting in my friend apartment playing Fashion Solitaire and knitting. WHY? Because I have no where to go, nothing to do and no way to leave. In other words this is shaping up to be a pretty fun trip.

On the upside, seeing Kerry has been amazing. I just wish she was actually HERE, but I GUESS she needs to go to class or whatever. Pffft. I got to meet her boyfriend, Aaron, for the first time last night so that was pretty cool too. Aaron is a nice dude -- he's pretty much a male Kerry, so the two of them are like...absurdly perfect for each other. I'm so happy for her. Although she needs to work on that whole PDA thing a little bit. I love it when my friends are in relationships, are happy and comfortable and 'in love' or whatever, but I'm not a big fan of having it crammed repeatedly into my face. The first time it's cute -- the tenth time I want to gouge your eyes out with a fork. And it's nothing against them or anything, I feel the same with Miranda and Brian and have, on several occasions, shoved various utensils into their faces to get them to STFU and knock it off.

Anyhow -- other than all that it's freezing. And I'm stupid because Kerry said, specifically, "Pack for cold!" (done in her usual chipper and lovely voice) So I did pack for cold -- CENTRAL VALLEY cold. Where it only ever gets just below fifty. So I go up there in a hoodie and uggs and am immediately a Katie-cicle. I was not prepared for Washington cold, where it's below thirty during the day and below twenty at night. Yeah. Smart move, idiot, dur >.<

And what's sad? I already miss home. I miss my mom and my dad and my brother and my gato. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, thinking that I could move TWO STATES AWAY and be okay with this. I've only been gone for 2 damn days and I'm lamenting the loss of my family like they've DIED so...yeah. This was not a good idea. Or at least right now I don't think it is. I might change my mind -- I'm still keeping an open mind because I feel like if I moved it would be a good change. A positive change. And I think I need a positive change, ya know? A different location, that sort of thing. Sooo...yeah.

I guess I'm just going to sit around and wait until Kerry get's home. Her roommate just got in, Kevin, but he doesn't talk to me and vice versa. He kind of is irritated with my very existence right now, so whatever. I don't want to make small talk with him anyhow. So yay for more Fashion Solitaire! Online Games, FTW!!! Or I guess I could go do the dishes for them, since Kevin apparently doesn't know how to clean and Kerry is always stuck doing them. A good friend would do that.

...I'm not sure I'm that good of a friend.

Naw, I totally am. I guess I'll go do that then. Until next time, peeps.

Writers block. The epic ending of days for the writers mind. The end is nigh, that whole schtick. That's what my mind feels like at this god awful hour in the morning. I can't make myself go to sleep, can't make myself write, can't make myself do ANYTHING. So I've been staring at my computer for the last half hour, as if it can either open a portal to another dimension or give me some kind of prophetic vision to help me on my way.

Neither has happened.
It's rather upsetting.

Even now I'm having trouble writing about writers block. How fucked up is that, right? Kind of sad, in it's own tragic way. I remember a time when all I did was write. I filled journals and journals of endless...crap that I thought was so cool and interesting. And now I can barely manage a quick blurb writers block. Can't even really manage a stream of consciencness, which is just doubly sad. My mind is working in some kind of weird...disjointed, fragmented, messy system that demands sleep.

I watched a whole disc of Supernatural Season 4. Kicker is -- I've seen all four episodes I just watched. And not only did I WATCH them, I had the commentary on. That can't possibly be healthy. Granted, in my defense, only two of the four episodes had a commentary and one of them was done by the demi-God Eric Kripke himself so I really couldn't pass it up but STILL. It's a sickness. A total sickness.

Speaking of a sickness, I finally filled my bookcases all the way. THAT is a real sickness. I'm staring at them now and just...holy mother of God. First of all -- I have a WHOLE SHELF devoted SOLELY to Anne Rice. A WHOLE SHELF. It's...disgusting. And then below that shelf is another WHOLE SHELF devoted JUST to vampire novels, all ordered by series. So not only am I anal retentive, I'm also a complete and total loser. And what comes after that? You guessed it my Harry Potter collection and then all my Star Wars books. Sickening. Absolutely sickening. I'm a twenty year old (almost twenty one year old) FEMALE -- I should not have Star Wars books. I just shouldn't. And I definitely shouldn't have them in such a startling amount. And going back to the vampire book thing -- the only vampire books I have that are NOT put with the others are the Twlight Series. I have those placed on another shelf, to be shunned and ostracized by the other vampire books. Because Twlight is not acceptable, in any way, shape or form. Ah, and yeah, I'm a hater but don't judge me -- I've read the (shitty) books, I've seen the two (shitty) movies. I hate legitimately and am a well educated hater. So suck on that. Or rather don't, because Stephanie Mayer's quesdo-vampires DON'T suck on ANYTHING. I went and saw New Moon with Miranda and there were a group of girls behind us that every so many minutes would swoon and shout "Team Edward!", in which I finally replied after almost an hour of that nonsense, "Team CARLISLE!" just to upset the masses. I was promptly boo'ed. But I was still pleased that I managed to ruffle some feathers. I'm sorry, I just think that Robert Pattinson looks like a Martian. I didn't like him as Cedric Diggory, I don't like him as Edward Cullen. He could play...DEAN WINCHESTER and I still wouldn't fucking like him. It's just not gonna happen. I guess he just isn't my cup of tea.

I just -- I don't think it's TOO much to ask when I say I want old vampires back. I grew up reading Anne Rice, obviously, watching the old Dracula movies, hell, even the NEW ones (Gary Oldman, say what? Mmm. Sirius Black AND Dracula? Hot damn!), and I just miss the old days. Ya know -- the vampire hay day, as it were. Where vampires actually DRANK blood and were dark and brooding and DID NOT SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT and came to unsuspecting women in their dreams and formed rock bands because they were bored...well...okay, yeah, I don't miss that. Shame on you, Anne Rice, for writing Queen of the Damned but it's okay. You can be forgiven - everyone get's at least one get out of jail free card. And you totally made up for it with Tale of the Body Thief, so you have been redeemed. Only to be cast out again!!! AH!! WOMAN!! You DO realize that I've been waiting like...FOUR YEARS for you to write another vampire novel, and to find out that my dreams of figuring out what happened to Lestat de Lioncourt are never going to be achieved is SOUL CRUSHING! I understand you're having some kind of existential crisis of faith and feel that you now must write only bible books, books about the life and times of JC and all that, but -- COME ON! Give the Big Man a break and come back to Lestat and Louis!! HONESTLY!! I DEMAND SATISFACTION!!!! I really miss my boys... *pout* I miss reading GOOD vampire books about compelling characters with neat names: Lestat, Marius, Armand -- compelling names for compelling characters.

I mean, for God's sake, even True Blood is better than nothing! The vampire trend is wrecking my life. I liked it better when the Sookie Stackhouse series wasn't a TV show and wasn't popular and I could read the books in peace. I was on the bus with one of the books a few days ago and was nearly MOBBED by the girl sitting next to me. She prattled on about the TV show (which I've seen both seasons of and they are...close enough to the books but MAJOR KEY THINGS are different) and she just assumed I was reading the book because I had seen the show. WRONG. I've been reading that stuff since freshman year of high school, thank you VERY much. Back when liking vampires automatically made you some gothic, slit your wrists, Emo freak. I wanted to smack her, but I'm a nicer person than that and chatted with her. It was just frustrating. And, need I point out that she was wearing a Team Edward jacket.

Once again, upsetting, in a very self-righteous and completely pointless kind of way.

I like how this has turned into a rant about Twlight, unintentionally. Haha. This is pleasing.

I got on here with the intent of answering one of the writers block questions on my homepage and that didn't happen. Oh well. This worked out just as well. Huzzah for pointless posts, because fuck if this has any merit in the real world.

Feel free to completely disreguard this as me being bitchy, tired, and irritated at myself. Unless...ya know...you agree or something. Then rock on!

A brief quote from "Lets Go To Prison" -- possibly one of the funniest movies I've watched in a long time. I recommend it highly.

I went up to Mariposa to go see Brian today. My aunt, my cousin and his now soon to be bride Monica went up. It was...an interesting car ride to say the least. All of us crammed into this little fucking Toyota going around curvy, windy roads. It felt like death, I'm not even kidding. Or what I imagine death in a little Toyota would feel like. It was, for the most part, a lot of me listening to Val try and console my aunt, who once again couldn't keep it together, and me listening to Monica tell me how much she loves Brian. I don't really know Monica that well, so the bonding time was worth it, needed. I wish I could have had it without having it have to be on the way to see my cousin in jail but we can't always get what we want. She's a nice girl -- a little thick, but...I blame drugs -- and kicker of all kickers: homegirl is younger than me. Say WHAT!?!? It's only by a few months, but Jesus Christ the girl already has a two year old AND she's preggo again. It just blows my MIND, ya know? I'm almost twenty one and I can't even begin to imagine having a kid or being pregnant and she's on round two? Wow. Just...wow. That, and she's just not that smart. I hate to say it, but she really is lacking in the brain department. While on the car ride up there she was smoking like a goddamn chimeny and I wanted to pop her upside the head and be like "GURL -- DO YOU WANT YER BABY TO BE RETARDED!? DUMB SHIT!" But I kept my mouth closed.

I thought that this would be easy, ya know? To go see him. But...it really wasn't. I'm not a big 'public crier', it really bothers me, so it was easy to keep it together. That and my aunt was crying buckets so that gave me something to focus on, but...man. It was even harder to go and sit and talk to him than it was to go to his trials. They stuff you into this little cinder block room that is only like...12 feet by 6 feet and you just stand there while one person sits on the little seat and talks to Brian through a phone. And he was even wearing the black and white stripes...it was just altogether heartbreaking. And to make matters even worse (but so much better) Brian proposed to Monica. It was sweet, in such a strange "I'm in jail" kind of way, but...still. It's the thought that counts. I've never seen him like this. He's always been a 'man's man', not one to really be emotional or anything like that, but...he did NOTHING but talk about how much he loves her and wants to come home so he can take care of her and the baby and on and on and on. I'm proud of him for it.

I still think it's weird that she's younger than me, but whatever. He's happy so that's all that matters.

I've made it my soul mission in life to try and write him once a week. What I'll talk about, I have no idea, but I'm going to do it. It just feels funny, like no matter what I say it's going to be shit. I feel like I can't talk about how great my life is because -- that's great for me, he's in JAIL. But I feel like I can't talk about how shitty my life is because -- that's great for me, HE'S IN JAIL. It feels callous, no matter what I do. But I'm going to do it, going to make it happen, make it work.

The moral of the story is that I fucking hate seeing my cousin in there, miss him endlessly, miss being able to call him and disappear for awhile or sit around and do nothing. I hate him missing out on all the holidays, not getting to be here and having to be stuck there. On the upside, I found out that the boy gets out on my 21st birthday, so FUCKING PARTY!! It makes it all that more amazing, just that much more special. And we all have a date to look toward now, too so...that's better than nothing at all, right? Sure is better than a YEAR, that's for sure.

I need therapy that only SPN can provide. I think I'm going to go watch the latest episode...*le sigh* It's been a rough day.

I'm tired of being kicked out of my house. Like -- I get it, parents do what they gotta do (get down, folks, go head get down) but still. They don't have to ANNOUNCED it. Like I don't GET the not so subtle hint, I don't understand the SUBTEXT, ya know? Ya'll wanna have sex? You do what you do. Just don't...don't come out into the front room and proclaim "Katherine, you need to make yourself scarce at 7 and find a place to stay the night."

My response, "Ahhh...ooo...kay." 

Thanks, I mean, yeah -- that's great. I DON'T want to be in the house when this goes down, but still. YUCKY.

Anyhow. I'm praying that I get this job at the IRS. I have to say, the IRS is the most hodge-podged gathering of people I have EVER seen. I mean...I've never been in one room with so many tweekers before. I felt like I was in line to get methadone or something. And they weren't like...those people who you can't tell, where you sit and guess, "Is that dude cracked out, or what?" No. These guys and gals were like...missing teeth, cross-eyed, crystal meth tweekers. It was obvious. And a little scary. But God knows I've been around enough tweekers to navigate that with the grace and ease of the dancer I am not (let's face it, tap dancers aren't exactly 'graceful') so it wasn't TOO much of a problem. I just super need this job. I can't believe Fresno is one of the worsts cities in the country for unemployment rates. It's either sit around and be poor, or be a pole dancer. Another sad truth -- no one wants to see me pole dancing. *shudders*

If I get this job it'll give me something to focus on. I haven't done much since New Wrinkles, and part of me misses it, but the other part doesn't. I think that theatre was a nice pasttime, but it's time for me to move on. Find something to do to make a living. I recognize that I have the drive to do theatre, the work ethic, but...the rest of it? Not so much. And I'm okay with that. Whatever. Is good.

Ooohhhh, totally random, but I have five hours of Supernatural Tivo'ed on my TV...So much for this random post. I cast you out in favor of Castiel.

 I've had a headache for four days now. And not just...a headache, but like the mother of all headaches that goes from the base of my neck all the way around to my nose. I can't make it go away. I'm not sure if it's REALLY there, or if this is just my body's way of manifesting stress. Either way...it should knock it off. It's not nice :(

I played four hours of The Beatles Rock Band yesterday and I don't even like the Beatles. It was an exercise in patience, that much is for sure. I also learned that I really super suck at the guitar, but that the drums and I should be good friends. It was a nice way to relax, even if the whole time I was thinking about other music. Other BETTER music. I mean, I recognize what the Lennon and Co. brought to the table, I know they were a voice of a generation, I GET IT. But I still don't like their music. With the notable exception of "Black Bird". I LOVE that song. 

eHarmony. What a crock of bullshit. That's all I have to say on that. 

I'm reading "The Gargoyle" by Andrew Davidson. It's possibly the most beautifully written book I've read in a really long time. It's... gorgeous and the man has a way of painting a visual picture like you wouldn't believe. I could SMELL the main character's burning flesh when he was describing a car accident. it is amazing. Best book I've read in awhile, ranking right up there with "A Dirty Job" by Christopher Moore even though the two books are VASTLY different from one another. 

I think Death Con 5 has been abandoned. Finally. I didn't think I could take it. We're not just in a code orange situation, which is easier to deal with. Instead of my mother flat out leaving she's actually back home, which is...good. Maybe now they'll stop acting like five year olds and talk, stop making their very tired daughter run interference. I would really like that. 

Because of aforementioned headache I haven't been sleeping. I've never been a big 'sleep' person anyhow, I stay up until all sorts of ungodly hours, but lately...gosh. I'm tired. Ugh. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight since I'm not home and instead am house sitting. So huzzah for that. 

This is a really random journal entry about nothing in particular. But still feels pretty good none the less. 

I did laundry today!! And I cleaned my room!! Woot woot! I am the master of the universe!! I even went so far to clean out my closet -- and Good God! I have SO MUCH CLOTHING!! And what's even worse -- 90% of it is black. *shakes head* I need some color in my life, stat. I got rid of a good chunk of it though since I've lost weight and don't fit into it so now Good Will can be happy :D

Other than that today I watched the Bob Saget special "That Ain't Right", and ohhhhh the things I learned! It's not the first time I watched it, but it gets funnier every time. Mr. Tanner...what has happened to you? You went from doing a family oriented television show to telling people not to fuck goats...*shakes head* I have yet to look at him the same, now that I have seen that comedy special.

The hole in my roof smells weird...like...mold and 'roof' and gross. I sprayed Febreeze on it. I hope that helps. I've decided it's a portal to another dimension or something. I like the sound of that.

*does a dance*

I am TIRED!! I think it's time for bed :D Gotta be up at a decent time to go to FCC tomorrow to go organize me some papers -- a good time for one and all, rest assured. I have tomorrow and Wednesday left and then I'm done with that -- no more contracted enslavement for me :D Instead I move a house elf for awhile, my mother being the Lucius Malfoy to my Dobby.

It's offficial. I am a nerd. I think it's time I went to bed before I polluted this blog with anymore random nerdy comments.

:D

*raise the roof!!*

HDSF is OVER!! OVER BI-OTCHES!!!

This makes me feel euphoric :D Like nothing else. And, I ate some BOMB sushi (Salmon Bake anyone?) AND I sang BOMB karaoke (Thriller, anyone? Pinball Wizard?) and hung out with my friends and just...painted the town red.

Or the stage red, as it were.

My love fish and I sang hard core with our mad skills, and I stole her boyfriend to go sing Thriller with me and Mitch -- who strangely decided to join our rag-tag group of singing misfits. Yeah for The Salt Shaker! Over all, it's been a jolly way to end the evening.

We sang (either Me, or me and a group)
Thriller -- MJ
Sunday Morning -- Maroon 5
Cold as Ice -- Foriegner
Man! I Feel Like a Woman! -- Shania Twain
Pinball Wizard -- The Who
Heartbreaker -- Pat Bennatar
The Middle -- Jimmy Eat World


It was Fantastic.

Now I'm gonna go soak and listen to some soothing nature sounds and HIT THE HAY!!!

I am so happy :D

After much thought and deliberation I think that my post from last night was a little premature. I kind of just...wrote without really thinking much about it. It was like a stream of conscienceness and that's...sometimes that's the way to go, but sometimes it's not. And in this case it's not. Drew, despite his obvious character flaws, is a good guy. And...as much as I would love to run around shouting his inhumanity and dastardly ways like a town caller I really can't. I would feel so...guilty about doing that.

After drowning my sorrows in the comedic genius that is Katt Williams I can to a conclusion (with a little lubrication from Mr. Williams). Katt, in his stand up, says this:

"Bitches need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a nigga,"You fucked up my self-esteem". Bitch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your mothafuckin' self. How am I gonna fuck up how you feel about you?"

Now, editing out the complete and arbitrary use of profanity it really hit me that he is kinda true. So -- based on all that -- I can't let some jack-hole mess up MY self esteem. Because It's MINE, not his. And that's just...that.

And strangely, it made all of this feel so much better.

That, and Katt Williams, without a doubt, makes me nearly pee my pants whenever I watch him. So that helps too.

Squee!!!

AND AND AND!! I'm seeing New Kids on Thursday!!! So with that to look forward too I have NOTHING to complain about!!!!

*runs off into the sunset singing You've Got the Right Stuff with her Joey Mac tee-shirt on*

Once again I am up at an ungodly time, talking to NO ONE but myself. Not so sad as one may think, especially because...I dunno, kind of nice to wallow in my own pathetic self misery without someone watching. Ah, yes, Hello -- my name is Katie and I am the Queen of Over Dramatic. But, oh, I have a story for you -- trust me, we'll go on an adventure. An adventure into the land of "Lessons Learned".

"But which lesson will we be learning, Katie?" (you may ask me.)

"Oh, it is the lesson called: Never date friends that are in your immediate social circle. If you do this, your business with that particular person will be EVERYONE'S business, my pets." (is my response)

It's kind of like that saying 'never dip into the company ink', that sort of thing. What's fucked up is that...I HAD TO, of course, find out that Drew was cheating on me in the middle of a GROUP of fucking people. *le sigh* That just...made the humiliation burn all the more. And it's not just anyone, but it was in the middle of people who already make me a little insecure about myself (which is my fault completely, not their own). God, it just made me feel dumb.

Amber pointed out to me that I have a neon sign on my forehead that reads "If you're a dick head -- come date me!!" and I guess I kind of agree. I have yet to date a person who has been...a decent person. Why is that? I don't understand it. And it's not even like the Bad-Boy Blues or anything like that. I simply either date regular dudes who are ASSHATS or CRAZIES. There's like no in between for me! It's kind of lame. My mom said that I should quit my bitching, that Drew and I have been broken up for a month now, but STILL. He was screwing another one of my friends WHILE we WERE dating. I think I have every right to be upset! And, to add insult to injury, he fed me all that BULLSHIT about how if he was dating me he was with ME.

With me and Jocelyne, as it were.

I should have known that the moment he refused to call me his girlfriend something was wrong. But NO, I'm a bleeding heart and I took it all at face value. He's been through a tough break up, I rationalized, He just needs time. I can wait for that, take it slow. That's fine. NO. FUCK THAT. It's NOT fine. God. This just proves that I am one of those dumb bitches that I claim to hate so much. What KILLS me is that I've been left, almost every time, for girls who are like -- ACK! Oh my GOD! WHY?! I just don't get it. It makes me feel... repulsive. That if they would rather have THOSE girls over me...what the hell? I have to be Swamp Creature. I have to be.

That's stupid of me to say. I KNOW I'm not that bad. I Know it. It just feels like it.

And, to add insult to injury, JIMMY was there. GOOD GOD. Could that have made it any worse? YES, of COURSE. Jimmy, the one who started it all -- who started EVERYTHING back in the day -- was there to witness all of this. And what's terrible is that...Oohhhhh, I was so tempted to take him up on his offer. Jimmy, darling boy, is in the Navy. Jimmy is large, very scary looking and INCREDIBLY buff (boot camp will do that to you) . Drew is pudgy, drinks a lot and can't do anything but run his mouth. He wouldn't stand a chance against my Squid. And Jimmy's first reaction was "Want me to beat the shit outta him? Because I'll break his fucking arm." 

It took every ounce of compassion in me to tell him that no, I did not want him to do that, and instead he could buy me tea to make me feel better.

God bless that boy.

But it made me feel worse -- so much worse. Jimmy is my best friend, he always will be, but it doesn't change the fact that Jimmy and I broke up all those years ago because he was FUCKING my friend -- I CAN SEE A PATTERN!! A BLOODY PATTERN!!!! GOOD CHRIST!!! And after how I did nothing but brag to him how I was doing so well and how I was so content and how even though Drew and I had split he was SUCH a good guy and how I still was talking to him and still friendly. Obviously, if I'm hanging out with the first guy to ever break my heart I really have no problem with maintaining relationships after they break off. But it just...god. It hurt a little more to have to have him right there.

I think that, given everything, this has been a very valuable lesson to learn. It hurts now, yes, but...I know myself well enough that I'll be able to go on. Or at least I like to think that I can. It feels like it's suffocating me now, but tomorrow? Well...tomorrow I just gotta move on, right? It's really all I can do because Hey -- if he wants to screw Jocelyne, whatever. It's his choice. I almost feel bad for her, I wonder if she knew that I was dating him...I almost want to talk to her, but at the same time, I just...I don't want to cause that kind of drama. I don't want to be the Angel of Death to their relationship. I'll let someone else do that, because if he can cheat with her on me, then what's to stop him from cheating on HER with someone else? Their time will come, as far as I'm concerned, and that red-headed bastard will get what's coming to him.

My fetish for red-heads has got to come to an end. They bring me nothing but trouble.

At least I have HSDF to focus on, to distract myself. And that's helpful. Fuck...I was supposed to finish making those name tags...damn it. I should be doing that instead of this, but...making name tags isn't as therapeutic as typing.

Fo'sho.

Last week was a week that hit me in the face with a bag of bricks. I am SO happy it's over. And where some of the problems from last week are still lingering, they're not so...savage, not so right there and encroaching on my space. At least now I can breathe a little easier, I can sleep a little better and smile just a little brighter.


Seeing my cousin last week broke my heart in two. It was heart wrenching -- and completely unnecessary on the courts part. I NEVER, in the rest of my life, want to see someone I love handcuffed at the feet and ankles again. And then seeing him on Friday come out of that place in his blue paper jumpsuit and terribly ugly orange sandals I have never loved him more. Sure, Brian isn't exactly the brightest -- he's done some stupid shit before -- but I love him, even the parts of him that make me roll my eyes and shake my head. I'm close to a lot of people in my family, but it always feels like Brian and Val and Bicka are different. Like the three of them are so integral to my existence that without them I could crumble away and just...cease being apart of the world. They help me feel a little more loved, a little more validated, a little more happy and without them -- I dunno. Just the thought of them not being in my life makes it feel a little dull.


But he's home now, thank God. And that's all that matters.


The situation with my parents seems to have finally cooled over -- after almost a week and a half of silence. I have never hated a lack of noise so much before! It's insane! But it's getting harder to keep myself quiet, harder to stay passive and on the fence -- neither here nor there on either side. It's just...so difficult to listen to one parent say that they don't think they love the other anymore, and then hear another say that they just want the other to be happy -- with or without them.


If my parents split up...I honestly don't know what I would do. On one hand, I want to be selfish -- incredibly so. And I want to tell them to suck it up and stop acting like children because they already HAVE children to take of! I want to scream at them to stop being so stupid and to think of Christian and I and to just knock it off. But on the other hand...I hate seeing them both so unhappy. All my mom does is complain about how terrible her life is, about how she wanted so much more and wanted to do so many things in her life and I just think to myself: why are we not enough for you? You have a house, a good job, two kids who love you, a great husband despite his little eccentricities -- how is your life missing something when you have that? How is it so terrible? And I can tell my dad walks on eggshells all day long when at home, when home is supposed to be the place he can relax. I just...wish that things were good enough for the both of them, but sadly enough I don't think they ever will be.


I have yet to find a direction. I'm enjoying my rest that's for certain, but I still feel lost in the woods. I feel like I'm stuck in a jungle without a flashlight or a machete and all I can do is fumble around blindly. Theatre was always such a shining beacon, a glowing neon lamp in the hazy distance but now...I feel like it's blinking -- like one of those old 'EAT AT JOES' signs that only reads half the letters. Instead of saying 'THEATRE!' in bright letters it only says 'ATR!' and it's a shitty feeling. In the last week alone I researched plenty of jobs that I think I could pursue, find a career in, and after a day thinking on them I come with the same thought, and that is: Why? I can never answer it accept for 'well, it makes a lot of money'. But money isn't enough. I have to find something fulfilling and it's not coming. I'm hoping that now that my door has been shut I'll be able to find an open window somewhere soon...


My mom is harping on me to get a job -- like I haven't been looking, working my ass off to make that happen. The economy is in recession -- HELLO! Places aren't hiring! At least not now. Sometimes I wish she'd put a sock in it about that...like I don't feel bad enough already. And it's not like I sit at home and do nothing. I clean, I work on my KCACTF stuff, I go help for the HSDF at FCC for a few hours a week. I'm busy, just not in a way she finds acceptable right now. It's pissing me off.


I'm learning that the only man worth trusting in life is my daddy. Simple as that, people -- the only man that will not (intentionally or unintentionally) fuck a girl over is her father. And that's only if you're lucky -- and I just so happen to be the luckiest girl in the world. I think the only person who comes in second to that is my brother, whom the older I get (and the older he gets), the more I love and respect every day.


I just realized that my profile picture (the one from the group at Teddy's) is the only picture of all of us together -- and we all have our mouths open. Another way to help RSA's oral fixation -- haha. Shit, I miss Whitney and Nate so much. Sometimes I wish I could be as brave as them -- to just get up and go and do something worth while. But I've never been like them -- never free enough to do something like that. I miss them so much that sometimes when I think about them it makes my chest hurt. The only MILD thing about them being gone is that I know they're doing so much better than I am. Thank God Miranda is still here or else I don't know if I could stand it. Panda is my life raft, and I think in a few ways I'm hers -- and if it means that we stick together I'm more than willing to help keep her afloat. I think it's moments like these that help you realize who the people that are going to be with you the rest of your life are.


Another sad realization -- for the first time in a really long time I miss Jimmy. I mean, I miss him all the time, but it's finally just really hit that he ISN'T coming back. I was thinking about this a few nights ago and I couldn't help crying a little bit. You never really realize how empty you feel until you realize someone isn't going to be coming back. Sure I'll get to see him, every so often, but it will never be the same. Too much missing time, too much change on both sides. I wish he was home though -- I was he was here so we could go get sushi and go see a movie. He's going to be so pissed when he finds out that The Naked Fish closed...*sigh* It's been a long time since I've heard his voice. He's my best friend (best guy friend at least) and I almost feel like he's taken a bit of my thoughts and heart with him under the ocean. It's SOOO funny how someone who could hurt me so much could end up being one of the people I love so much. But I guess his ability to know just where to poke that sharp stick is only a testament to how well he knows me, how close we are. Only those closest to you can really break you apart, like they say.


This has been a blog of complete ramblings. A little bit of everything -- a little bit of nothing. But it felt good -- really good. Writing this helped me shed a few tears that I think needed to be cried and now I feel...really calm, really nice.
And to complete this catharsis, I think I'm going to go kill some zombies. I'm a complete fucking addict -- Left 4 Dead is pretty much all I do in my free time now. I'm hooked -- somebody stage an intervention and get me some Zombiedone (that's methadone, but for Zombies instead of heroin :D )

Have a good week everyone :D

Do you have any idea what it's like to be assaulted the moment you walk into a room?

Well I do, and it's not fucking fun. I took one step into the Division Office at FCC and was immediately bombarded with questions by A) people I don't like B) people I barely know and C) people who don't need to know every fucking detail of my life. It's so frustrating! That place is like a cess pool where nothing GOOD is ever breeding. Thank God for the faculty or that stupid place would have NO redeeming qualities about it at all.

What really makes me upset are these people who just perpetuate the stereotype of loud mouthed theatre kids. News flash, folks: Not EVERYTHING is your god damned business! And please -- don't pretend to care, it's so frustrating. I told ONE person that I was taking a semester off to myself, ONE person whom I had thought that I could trust to not spread my business around the department so it could catch like wild fire and I show up to speak to a teacher, in private, and I'm attacked. This is precisely why I kept it to myself -- no one needs to know. It's not they're problem, not their business and it's CERTAINLY not HER business for telling everyone. Admittedly, if she's going to tell anyone I can understand her telling Chris because I was enrolled in all of his classes, but that's MY fucking job not anyone else's. And yes, I have been putting it off but it's difficult to explain everything without just spewing my family business all over the place, which I am not in the habit of doing.

And people wonder why when I'm at school I spend most of my time in the office. Because I'm not willing to be subjugated to the rumor mill and/or the division wide updating beacon that everyone seems to place on everyone else like they're fucking pod people or something. I refuse to be monitored! UGH! And Kimmy needs to stay the FUCK away from me or I swear to God I'll pop her. I've never liked her from the beginning and this just makes me dislike her even more. She needs to stay out of my business and STOP trying to pretend like she's not some weird swamp creature. And I REALLY don't appreciate her passing on faulty information -- to my own relatives, no less!

I feel...so much better now. I needed to say that, it felt good. *deep breath* Much better. But this just proves that I'm making the right decision in taking some time off to figure a lot of stuff out. I've already got my schedule lined up for summer, at least what I want to take, so it's not like I'm never coming back.  And hopefully by then I'll know what it is I want to do with myself and I'll understand what it is my life is supposed to be worthy of.
 

It's been a long time since I've been able to take any kind of happiness away from something tangible. Real. Something that isn't a television show or a book or something like that. And yes, I know all those things are REAL, but not like what I'm talking about. I haven't felt like this in such a long time that I'm almost surprised I can anymore, can remember it at all. Five years is a long time to sit around and wait for nothing to fucking happen, ya know? And I was all ready to become a cat lady -- I had the rocking chair for the front porch and everything!

Funny how life turns you on your head without even trying...

I don't understand how suddenly asking isn't enough anymore. I asked point blank: "Are you mad at me?" And all I got was the run around, stuttering and then nothing. Not a definite answer. And I'm so tired of it. If she would just say "Yes, Katie -- I AM mad at you" I would feel way more content with it. It's incredibly frustrating, not to mention the fact that...how fucking immature, right? I'm asking a simple fucking question that deserves a simple fucking answer.  And it just frustrates me further because we're suppose to be friends. Why, if she really is my friend, would she just not SAY SOMETHING. I know that she's quiet, but still. Jesus.

Maybe it's a culture thing. Maybe it's a her thing. Maybe it's a ME thing. I don't know. But I'm tired of living like this. I have enough stress, enough things that make me go nutters -- I don't need this either.

All in all: I'm just really angry and tired.

No. It's not. BOOOOOOHISSSSSSS! Oh-kay, I would like some House on the double plzkthnxz. I tried to sit down and watch Season 3 but my DVD player is BROKEN!!!!!!!!! *cries* It made for mucho sadness! Although I did watch the episode where he juices Wilson with speed on my laptop and it nearly made me pee -- but that's another story entirely. Stupid dance concert >(   I have to miss tuesday's eppie anyhow so I can go design stupid lights for the stupid dance concert. Booooohiissss again. But that's okay -- that's what Mom's TiVo is for. 8D

I started watching Bones. I'm totally addicted. I love the relationship between Booth and Brennan. And I'm in love with Hodgins for SURE!! Curly headed boys with bad tempers make me squee a little. Anyhow...this was fraking pointless, as are most of my posts. I'm just bored like whoa.

I've been on a music kick lately. I mean, I'm a fan of all good music, but lately...I've just been ravenous for good music.

Any suggestions?

I've been goobling down Matt Nathanson, Daphne Loves Derby, Anberline, The Spill Canvas, Natasha Bendingfield, David Cook...it's crazy. Let me tell you-- wait, I am telling you. Oh well. Here's a bit of music fluff that really spoke to me:

I'm supposed to be working. But I'm not. Ha ha. That's right, FCC -- pay me to type on my LJ. Take that!!

Anyhow. For some reason I have nothing much to say. Other than, for some strange reason, I'm really in a Harry Potter mood. I mean, like a mood to re-read the books and things. Maybe I'll do that. Hence the icon. I thought it was appropriate :D

Besides -- Voldemouse is kinda cute. He makes me *squee* a little bit inside.

I'm off. this was pointless and stupid. But very entertaining.

OMG I hate allergies. That's right peeps and peepetts: O.M.G.  I think that sounds cuter than saying "Oh my GAWD!" like some hillbilly. Anyhow. I feel like my head is going to cave in - stupid weather deciding to change. How dare you! You should be flogged -- go and flog the weather! Go!

I admit sometimes I get carried away with myself.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo. This is pointless if you haven't already guessed. (you being either YOU or the journal, depending. I'm not sure.) But that's okay. Pointless can be fun. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow that's for sure. I still need to write my McBeth essay but I'm putting the little buggar off for now. Ooh -- ooh -- ohh! Happiness! I watched movie with Boyfriend in it today! Boyfriend being Kevin Spacey -- it's a long story, just don't ask. Anyhow, "21" was pretty interesting, if not long and complicated. But BF was happy and fun and sexy and, as always, amazing like WHOA! Anyhow, it was a bit of happy in my nasty, stuffed up world, so I thought I'd share that with you. :D

What else to do...to say...started cleaning out the upstairs. I'll be out and back at my folks here anytime now, thank God. Sometimes it's difficult to live with people. But whatever. So, I was listening to a song and it really touched me and the lyrics went a little sumfin like this: "Don't be shocked that people die/ be surprised  you're still alive."

How true, no? 

It's very true. I went and found a lot of things that belonged to my grandpa while cleaning out the upstairs and it make me really...nostalgic towards him for awhile. I don't usually make it a habit to think about him a lot because 10 years later I still cry, but...sometimes it feels good. Especially because I found this picture of my dad, my uncle, my aunt and my grandpa form back in the 70's and everyone looked so happy...I like that. Happiness is something that everyone deserves and should be treasured in any way it's found. Like in photographs. It made me *squee!* a little, especially because my dad is wearing a red bow tie. How EFFING cute is THAT?!?!?! Me gusta.

So that's just about it. I'm going to go...do something productive. Like my concept paper. Yeah for homework!

I'm feeling particularly introspective tonight, and that's never a good thing. I'm just a little pissed off at the weird double standards there seem to be concerning the people who I so openly call 'my friends'. And even though I know the bullshit is out of my control, it's still a little frustrating. For example -- it's okay for them to hang me out to dry and blow me off when they don't want to hang out, but I'm expected to drop everything for them, and when I don't want to hang I get the guilt trip of a century. Even when I'm sick and not wanting to ride my goddamned bike at 10 at night out to fucking Divisidero, I'm still expected to. It just upsets me.

But I guess it doesn't matter. I need to start learning that life is full of things that frustrate me yet are out of my control. It would just be easier for me. I'm feeling in a fantastical mood for some blood and guts. I'm not a big lover of gratuitious violence, but sometimes...it just helps to watch someone get torn apart. I know I sound like a serial killer in the making (*pays no attention to the copy of Catcher in the Rye sitting on her bookshelf*) but I promise this isn't a normal feeling for me. At least I didn't murder animals when I was younger -- if I had then I would be scared for me. Just right now. Maybe I'll go watch Hostel...or Saw...No, I'm not in the mood to watch Cary Elwes cut his foot off or Roger Bart bleed to death from his downstairs...

I think I'm going to go take a walk. That sounds nice -- it's a nice night out. Maybe a nice walk will overpower my want/need to rip something apart and growl like a werewol (and maybe bite someone to go with it). And on top of it I've got allergies up the wazhoo...

Warg.

In the whole 'my life is over' department for teenage girls, I've been pretty stable. I didn't do any of that bullshit because it all seemed way to over dramatic and stupid to me. So I find that I can take this moment to at least catch up to the status quo of my sex and age and run around in a panic screaming that my life is over.

It's a painful thing to listen to your mother say she's not sure if she loves your father anymore. That's she's not sure if he loves her back, either. I'm not sure how to take this. Is she just being over dramatic and she's hurt and upset so she's lashing out? Or does she really mean it? I can never tell with her. At least I feel like I did my daughterly duty and gave the right response, which was: "Whatever makes you happy, mom. And if leaving is going to do that, then do it."

But inside saying that makes me feel like shit. They are everything I've based my relationships off of, everything that I thought worked and didn't work and I just...I don't know what I would do if they split up. And on top of that...I KNOW my dad's not perfect, but to me he is. And if he's the man that I set my standards at, that I judge every other man based off of...what does that say? 

Frankly, I'm not sure if I want to think about it.

I guess all I'm going to allow myself to really think about is that if this does happen, I'm going to just be supportive and worry about Christian. He's only thirteen. And there is the fact that this could all be for naught, so I'm just not going to fret too much until anything concrete comes up. After all, I won't be the first person this has happened to, so...yeah.

You know what DOES make me happy though?

My silly gato. So yeah for Gob.

A show opens, a show closes. Thank God this one has finally closed. As of around 3 o'clock this afternoon The Importance of Being Ernest was finished being struck and a small army of techies and actors alike were released from their cage known as the FCC Theatre Building and allowed to be out in the light and amongst the living. It was a joyous occassion and was celebrated with a round of root beer at BJ's Brewhouse. I'm happy it's done, that life can resume as normal until the opera starts.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm just...floating around. Sometimes I feel like I'll look up and life will hand me what I'm looking for, upon which my reply would be something akin to "Oh, how very nice of you, Life. Thank you so much for doing all this hard work for me and sparing me any long LJ blogs ruminating about the meaning of it all. I never would have thought you cared." And then I would smile and skip along my merry way. But unfortunately that hasn't happen, nor will it, and I'm left thinking about...pointless things.

Like theatre.
Like Jimmy.
Like dropping out of college.
Like going to London and not coming back.
Like clouds, and how one in the sky today looked like a duck...

Has anyone ever realized how fucking hot Hugh Laurie is when he's riding a sports bike? Maybe I'm the only one, but it's true. God Bless House MD and God Bless British men on motor bikes.

Where did I leave off? I'm like a cat with shiny things...oooooohhhhh shiny! Only it's Oooooohhhhh Hugh Laurie! I was thinking about something signigicant too...boohiss.

My gato demands attention seeing as I've been gone for three days, so...I'm off.